family matters

there..

is…

no…

way.

no way

no way

no way

no way

i’m staying here with

your fucking ignorance

that you know makes me

grit my teeth so you

do it anyway, i know

you fucking do.

i start crying before you

pull up into the driveway

& you walk in

roll your eyes

keep walking

painting the picture

the

perfect

family

keep watching tv

ignoring me

living your shitty life

but i promise you’ll notice me soon

hi baby

my name is megan
i am 17 years old
and i'm lonely.

saw this girl perform the other night.... i was a little impressed.
she has a very attractive androgynous bandmate, as well. aahhhhhhhhhh

it's been a long day / feminist blog test run

society is making me disgusted to be an urban woman.

since reaching puberty and developing breasts at an early age, i have constantly been told to cover up. to wear training bras, cover my stomach, etc. and what was this consistent haggling actually for? to prevent my male counterparts from becoming distracted. nevermind that they were making sexual jokes about all the blossoming girls during breaks from class. "yeah man, i'd totally put my dick in her mouth." because after all, it is the girl's responsibility to to everything that she can to prevent boys from getting sexual aroused or even distracted during class, no matter how young.

so began the never-ending cycle of media and moral confusion.

when i became a teenager, everything changed because suddenly men wanted to fuck me. my skirts were too short, i was wearing too much makeup. applying makeup to my face was obviously a clear sign that i wanted to screw. and if i didn't, it was my obligation to fix it, whatever the solution may be.
then again, the media aims its advertisements on teenagers. you're not pretty unless you wear lip gloss and mascara. wash your greasy, flat hair with our coconut shampoo; the boys love it. I DON'T CARE IF THEY LOVE IT. why should i relate my body care products to attracting the opposite sex? corporations' advertising methods are truly misguided.
let's say i wanted to go au naturale. i walk into a bar and flirt a little with a man that i thought was attractive. he thinks i'm prude and boring because my hair isn't long and sexy and my eyelashes don't bat when i blink. so i come back the next day, hefty on cosmetics and tight clothes. a man approaches me, acting smooth and offering to buy me a drink. i kindly decline, saying that i'm waiting for someone. you know what he calls me? a slut. because apparently, what i'm wearing, i'm wearing it just for men. it's not for myself ever. i'm asking for it. i'm looking for sex from anyone. can't you tell by my tight clothes? but i'm just a product of the media. mindless consumer.

since when are natural bodies not preferred?

"Suddenly the drunken sweetheart appeared out of my door.
She drank a cup of ruby wine and sat by my side.
Seeing and holding the lockets of her hair
My face became all eyes, and my eyes all hands."

- Rumi

dear heaven

you do not rule me
you are not the land
the sky
the people

be still now
and know that i am god.
i own this land
i travel the sky
i control the people


the world turns differently now.
you are nothing.
i am everything.

i'm the princess.

i want all your attention
all of your knowledge, your stories
all of your skin
but none of your time

i can't even

bed

love my safe serenity
my small dark heaven
where no one can hurt me
reach me
hate me

sorry, but i think britney spears is sassy as hell

hiiiii baby

boys r so dumb

seriouslyyyy.

yeah, i said an open relationship. yeah, we can see other people. but by this, i mean i don't want to see you flirting with some bitch while i'm standing on your opposite side.
"babe, you know i want you. i'm just being friendly."

MY ASS.

violin is so intricate.
but i'm not saying this
to be arrogant
or conceited

but it's tricky
to fully master the art.

since i've changed teachers
my views have been broadened
there is so much to learn!
really
quite a bit

i mean, between two notes, there are so many styles, so many techniques to be tried out. tricks that vary from instrument to instrument. trying a measure one way, then another. pleasing the audience. inducing emotion. everything so sweet.

it's fantastic

camera bag i'm buying for the camera that i don't have yet

i want my home to be a cozy palace

pros cons

fucking hormone pills
i feel like shit

but

i had a nice coffee date with a boy today
he's very smart and interesting
so that was cool

i cut my hair yesterday

and i'm not sure if i like it yet
but hopefully i'll grow into it

i have an internet lover
his name is daniel
he lives in chattanooga
and i really enjoy talking to him.
he's a very sweet boy and he showed me this nice song.

i spent the weekend

with my childhood love at the lake
we snuck into a bar, had some drinks together.
he's such a beautiful boy, well man now.

it was a very enjoyable weekend. it makes me almost cry!

going to the lake tomorrow
planning on reading 70%, writing 30%

i would be lying if i said it would be 50/50 because what usually happens is i open my notebook and i just stare off into space then i don't feel like writing anymore.

it always happens, seriously.

i'm also planning on taking a hike by myself with my ipod and finding a nice place to cry alone. sometimes i really need it. i feel like i don't have any friends or love, and i think maybe it could help.

i'm so nuts.

you'd break your neck to keep your chin up

things on my mind

i really like my friend octavia
why can't i ever find an apple that is the perfect amount of crunchy
i watched part 1 of harry potter and i can see why people like it so much
can't wait to go back to germany
also for an apartment in bellingham, if i get into western
i forget that i like copeland
i'm going to keep hoping that we'll be together someday soon
but not with you, you know you're not enough
i want everything but i'm so tired

going to start

minimizing.

i'm changing a few things!
i'm going to start cleaning my room more
cooking more nice meals
keeping myself clean and simple
writing more
reading more
exercising more

yeah, that sounds nice.

just some pictures i think are inspiring and nice

i try so hard to be happy

lazy summer day

okay so it's better

i made a vanilla latte, read everything is illuminated for a while, then put together a cute package to send to my friend in germany for her birthday. now it's sex and the city. and my parents are out. i feel so much better.

really.
this is nice.

no one fights for me.

a tourist in the waking world

no kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
until i realize that it was you who held me under

verließ

if i wasn't born when i was

if my mother hadn't decided to go out
if my dad had chose to go somewhere else
if they hadn't come across each other

if they conceived a moment later
if another baby had been chosen instead
if i was given to another set of parents
on the other side of the world

would we still be together


whenever i think about my trip to europe last summer and the boy that stole it, it's comforting. i know he's still there. i know where he is, but he'll never know where i am.
if i would have stayed, would things be different?
oh yes, i'm sure they would be.
would we be together?
i'm sure that would have happened.
would i be happier than i am now?
yes.

of course there's no way that would have worked.
but if it did.
all would be right, i'm serious.
that was what should have happened to me.
i disrupted the cycle by leaving.
it was no one's fault but my own.
i left, he didn't go anywhere.
he was meant to be there for me.
i veered from the path.
and this is what upsets me.

apartments

i think they are so wonderful. especially sharing it with people that you love, when you're never alone. i really enjoy the thought of never being alone.

today

today i didn't really have a lot i had to do wanted to do, so i made myself vanilla lattes and put on this new dress that i bought yesterday and hung out at the library reading lolita.
i'm really excited for the next couple days, though. a lot of people that i like want to spend time with me.

i need you right out of me before i turn into you

monday night

i don't hear anything. 

nothing downstairs.

nothing upstairs. 

nothing in my room. 

nothing in my body.

i don't know who i am anymore. 

all i want to do is watch movies and cry.

that's not who i am, and i don't know what's going on. 

i've been trying so hard to surround myself with wonderful people. people who can lift me up, bring me forward into a better life. but i've been doing nothing but retrogressing. heavy-hearted. i don't know how to be here. 

i want someone to stay up and talk about things that are hard for me to talk about with me. we can lay on my bed, hold hands, talk about the past. let everything out that hurts. connect to the earth. to each other. then i won't be ill anymore. the sky will look so much brighter, right? i think so.