i cut my hair yesterday

and i'm not sure if i like it yet
but hopefully i'll grow into it

i have an internet lover
his name is daniel
he lives in chattanooga
and i really enjoy talking to him.
he's a very sweet boy and he showed me this nice song.

i spent the weekend

with my childhood love at the lake
we snuck into a bar, had some drinks together.
he's such a beautiful boy, well man now.

it was a very enjoyable weekend. it makes me almost cry!

going to the lake tomorrow
planning on reading 70%, writing 30%

i would be lying if i said it would be 50/50 because what usually happens is i open my notebook and i just stare off into space then i don't feel like writing anymore.

it always happens, seriously.

i'm also planning on taking a hike by myself with my ipod and finding a nice place to cry alone. sometimes i really need it. i feel like i don't have any friends or love, and i think maybe it could help.

i'm so nuts.

you'd break your neck to keep your chin up

things on my mind

i really like my friend octavia
why can't i ever find an apple that is the perfect amount of crunchy
i watched part 1 of harry potter and i can see why people like it so much
can't wait to go back to germany
also for an apartment in bellingham, if i get into western
i forget that i like copeland
i'm going to keep hoping that we'll be together someday soon
but not with you, you know you're not enough
i want everything but i'm so tired

going to start

minimizing.

i'm changing a few things!
i'm going to start cleaning my room more
cooking more nice meals
keeping myself clean and simple
writing more
reading more
exercising more

yeah, that sounds nice.

just some pictures i think are inspiring and nice

i try so hard to be happy

lazy summer day

okay so it's better

i made a vanilla latte, read everything is illuminated for a while, then put together a cute package to send to my friend in germany for her birthday. now it's sex and the city. and my parents are out. i feel so much better.

really.
this is nice.

no one fights for me.

a tourist in the waking world

no kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
until i realize that it was you who held me under

verließ

if i wasn't born when i was

if my mother hadn't decided to go out
if my dad had chose to go somewhere else
if they hadn't come across each other

if they conceived a moment later
if another baby had been chosen instead
if i was given to another set of parents
on the other side of the world

would we still be together


whenever i think about my trip to europe last summer and the boy that stole it, it's comforting. i know he's still there. i know where he is, but he'll never know where i am.
if i would have stayed, would things be different?
oh yes, i'm sure they would be.
would we be together?
i'm sure that would have happened.
would i be happier than i am now?
yes.

of course there's no way that would have worked.
but if it did.
all would be right, i'm serious.
that was what should have happened to me.
i disrupted the cycle by leaving.
it was no one's fault but my own.
i left, he didn't go anywhere.
he was meant to be there for me.
i veered from the path.
and this is what upsets me.

apartments

i think they are so wonderful. especially sharing it with people that you love, when you're never alone. i really enjoy the thought of never being alone.

today

today i didn't really have a lot i had to do wanted to do, so i made myself vanilla lattes and put on this new dress that i bought yesterday and hung out at the library reading lolita.
i'm really excited for the next couple days, though. a lot of people that i like want to spend time with me.

i need you right out of me before i turn into you

monday night

i don't hear anything. 

nothing downstairs.

nothing upstairs. 

nothing in my room. 

nothing in my body.

i don't know who i am anymore. 

all i want to do is watch movies and cry.

that's not who i am, and i don't know what's going on. 

i've been trying so hard to surround myself with wonderful people. people who can lift me up, bring me forward into a better life. but i've been doing nothing but retrogressing. heavy-hearted. i don't know how to be here. 

i want someone to stay up and talk about things that are hard for me to talk about with me. we can lay on my bed, hold hands, talk about the past. let everything out that hurts. connect to the earth. to each other. then i won't be ill anymore. the sky will look so much brighter, right? i think so.